We Were NOT All In This Together

              In high school, I wanted to die. I wish I were just gone from this planet and the people on it. It really all happened in my Junior and Senior year. Things started out fine, but between March and June of my Junior year I had 4 people close to me die. At 16 years old I had experienced more loss than I should at such a young age. My friends were great when my great grandma died in March, she was one of my very best friends and I spent almost every afternoon after school at her nursing home. But as time went on and I was losing more people in my life I noticed my friends slowly disappearing. They would see me in the hall and quickly turn the other way, I could see them looking and whispering in class. What made it worse was I was part of a program that was supposed to be like a family and we had special classes for those wanting to go into the medical field. ( I wanted to be a Vet for a long time) and so we all had classes together all day every day. Well when nobody talks to you that can be pretty isolating. I asked a friend what was happening and she told me that my life was too hard and that they are all young and just want to enjoy high school. They shut me out because my life got too hard for them.

            So I spent the summer going to funerals while they all went to the beach. Then, my senior year was worse, surprising I know.  I was alone that summer and nobody would talk to me. My depression was growing more and more every day. I felt like by just existing I was a burden to everyone. In my junior year, I had a math teacher tell me I couldn’t eat in his class and didn’t care if I was diabetic or if I needed to eat I wasn’t allowed. For a couple of years I had an English teacher constantly tell me what a bad diabetic I was because I had (diet) soda at school. At first the jokes didn’t involve my diabetes. This teacher kind of picked on me and I thought maybe it’s because I loved the subject and spoke up a lot. But then it got personal and it became hurtful. I tried to explain that the jokes weren’t true and are causing more damage, he just laughed it off.  Soon a bunch of my classmates were making jokes about my diabetes every single day.

             A girl from these classes approached me once and told me that she knew of a group of people that would get together and just “talk shit” about me. I had never done anything to anyone and I was the monster. They would avoid me in the halls and would rush away before I could ask if I could join for lunch. A lot of the time I spent with a teacher who I’m not sure knows how much he meant to me, but Dan Burchfield made sure I spent any lonely lunch in his classroom and made me take his theater class my senior year so he could check in on me. I even was his stage manager for Alice and Wonderland. So thank you Burch for helping me through my time at MHS. I TRULY couldn’t have done it without you.

            I also owe a lot of credit to Rachel Humphrey. There was a summer we worked closely together at camp and it was right in the middle of everything. Whenever I was feeling the depression she would take me on a walk through dry lake and I could cry as loud as I wanted to. I constantly think of our walks and what she would tell me and how almost every time we were out there a hummingbird would fly by us as if my Great Grandma was telling us she was there. Even to this day when I think of the kind of person I want to be I think of her, she's a hard worker and so kind. Rachel, I thank you with all my heart for that summer and every time you checked on me down the mountain. Life is hard and we have been there for each other for a lot of those times. 

            I had been messaging a camp friend about how I felt numb and just didn’t want to live anymore and my mom saw them. She immediately took me out of school and not a single person cared, or honestly I don’t know if they noticed. I enrolled in college early and took classes during my final year of HS before I graduated and started to feel better. I still felt forgotten and alone. I had absolutely nobody in my life. It took a lot of time and love and therapy to get through that time. I then moved to Disney and that really helped. But when I came back and was at our local community college there were a lot of high school people that attended that school. One guy was in the same building as me at the same time and I would see him in the hall and he would glare at me or whisper while looking directly at me. I went to the grocery store and saw the group of people that would “talk shit” about me and I could hear them talking about me and called me weird and a loner. Living in this town to this day is still really hard because everyone loves this town and talk about how great it is, but whenever I drive down Tierra Rejada I get a knot in my stomach and I have anxiety going into Target or Vons with the possibility of seeing someone. I hated this town.

           

             Fast forward to when the soundtrack for Dear Evan Hansen came out. I have never identified with a musical until I heard DEH. This is an excerpt from the song “You Will Be Found” : Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear? “ When this came on I sat in my car and I sobbed. A good 3 years after high school I finally had words that were how I had felt for so long. I identified with my depression and I hadn’t fully realized how bad I was until I heard someone else saying the words. When I saw te show for the first time on stage last night I wept. So many people wept. But there was a question asked towards the end of, “Did you fall? Or did you let go?” and that sat  so deeply with me I am still thinking about it. Sometimes we lie to ourselves about what happened to try and make it sound better in our heads. I told myself for a long time that what happened to me in high school wasn’t that bad, but it was. I was bullied and harassed not just by the students but by teachers as well. To this day I still struggle with my depression and anxiety but I’ve been learning what it is that sets it off or what I need when I get into that place. Because there was a time where I didn’t think I was going to graduate. I never thought I would make it past high school. But I did. Now here I am 4 years after the darkest times of my life and I am thriving. Living in the town I once hated but now could care less about because I know that if I see the people that destroyed me once, they can’t do it again. I am so much stronger and see that they are actually irrelevant to my life anymore. I can see them in Target and I wouldn’t blink an eye, I wouldn’t feel the need to run and hide. If they were to approach me I would tell them exactly why I am turning my cheek and walking the other way. I know they will see this and I won’t name names but they know who they are and what happened but I hope now they know what the actual consequences were of their actions because it almost drove me to killing myself.

            It's pretty funny, I've had multiple people from high school block me and unfriend me on all social media after I made a post on Instagram talking a little bit about this time and I just wish they could hear my side without turning to hate. Because I don't hate them; there was a time where I was filled with anger and sadness but now I know I wouldn't be who I am today without those hard times. It doesn't make what they did okay at all, but it strengthened me into the Hannah you all know and I like this Hannah. I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive people who were not sorry and accept an apology I would never receive. 

            I definitely have trust issues when it comes to letting people into my life and having friends again. I finally met amazing people in Florida but when we left we were scattered across the states. So I felt alone again. I had nobody within a 20 mile radius that I could call up and be like. “Hey I need you.” and they would be there. Something I thank Starbucks the most for is bringing Arame and Judy into my life. I have never felt a friendship so pure and strong as I do with them. Finding people who you can trust and rely on is so hard once you hit your 20’s but I feel grateful. I face time Judy multiple times a week since she is in New York kicking butt at NYU Tisch and tomorrow I move into an apartment with Arame. If you had told me even a year ago that my life would be filled with great friends and opportunities, I wouldn’t believe you for the life of me.

            I have never talked about any of this or truly how depressed I was except to my family and a handful of people. I’m not sharing because I want any sympathy because I am truly happy now. I am the happiest I have been in a while. I guess I just want those who are struggling to know that it does get better. I went from not knowing if I would live to be an adult to working a salary job at a law firm and getting ready to move out with my best friend. The struggle I was in then developed the strength I needed now. 

            ”Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you’re broken on the ground. You will be found”

A Letter to the Writers

In my current class, I had to write a paper on an issue important to me. I wrote about the misrepresentation of T1D in the media platform of television. I wasn't going to share it but what's the point of writing a letter wanting a change and not sharing it? So here it is, I hope you all enjoy! 

To Whom It May Concern:

          My name is Hannah Giffin and I am writing to you regarding an ongoing issue in the media which needs to be addressed; the misrepresentation of Type 1 Diabetes and Diabetes in general. As a writer for a television network who creates the scripts for television shows, you make influential decisions about what goes into the scripts and what is said on television. What many don’t understand is that the misrepresentation of diabetes can be a leading cause of depression and extreme mental health issues in diabetics. In this letter, I will present you with compelling information that will show the effects of diabetes “jokes” in the media and their impact on people living with the disease. I know that there is also a lot to be said on behalf of Type 2 Diabetics and how this affects them, however I will be shining a light on Type 1.

            Type 1 Diabetes is a disease that many don’t even know about. They hear “diabetes” and immediately think of Type 2 without even knowing it. According to the American Diabetes Association (ADA), “In type 1 diabetes, the body does not produce insulin. The body breaks down the sugars and starches you eat into a simple sugar called glucose, which it uses for energy. Insulin is a hormone that the body needs to get glucose from the bloodstream into the cells of the body.” Regarding Type 2, the ADA states, “If you have type 2 diabetes your body does not use insulin properly. This is called insulin resistance. At first, your pancreas makes extra insulin to make up for it. Over time it isn't able to keep up and can't make enough insulin to keep your blood glucose at normal levels.” As you can see, they are in fact different. With Type 1 diabetes, the organ called the pancreas does not create insulin at all, while with Type 2, the patient has built up a resistance to the insulin their body produces. Type 2 Diabetes can be caused by obesity. With obesity, fatty tissue releases fat molecules into the blood, which leads to resistance to insulin. In a recent interview, Taylor Lookofsky, an associate therapist who is also a Type 1 Diabetic, told me, “As a Type 1 Diabetic, many people assume that I cannot eat sugar or that sugar is bad for me and many people say ‘you can’t have sugar’ or ‘isn’t sugar bad for you?’ These interactions can be very frustrating at times because being a Type 1 Diabetic doesn’t mean I cannot eat certain things, being a Type 1 means I have to be a little more cautious.” (2018)

            Now that you have some background on the difference between Type 1 and Type 2 Diabetes, I will tell you a little bit about what these jokes are doing to your audiences. In episode 4 of the second season of Fuller House, juvenile diabetes (another name for Type 1 Diabetes) was referenced as candy was being handed out at Halloween. Juvenile diabetes is another name for Type 1 Diabetes, which means that the Halloween candy would not cause juvenile diabetes. If candy was consumed all day, every day, for years, it is possible one could develop Type 2, but the assumption or inference that it could cause juvenile or Type 1 Diabetes is incorrect. In an episode of Big Bang Theory, Penny is talking to a customer and says, “well as a waitress, sales was a big part of my job, and believe me I convinced a lot of very large customers who should not be eating cheese cake to have more cheese cake and one of those ‘chubbsters’ had an insulin pump.” Insulin pumps are used for Type 1 Diabetics, while Type 2 Diabetics take medication in the form of pills to increase their sensitivity to the insulin their bodies produce. Type 1 Diabetics are able to eat anything they please as long as they give the correct dose of insulin. My doctor told me that my disease is not defined by my diet, but by my lifestyle. No person, diabetic or otherwise, should eat cake for three meals of the day, but I can have a slice at the birthday party. In the show EastEnders, Kim Fox said, “If the kids don’t give themselves diabetes, it’s not a good party is it?” As explained regarding the previous two examples, no amount of sugar will cause Type 1 Diabetes. One of the biggest issues in writing for the media is not specifying which type of Diabetes is being referenced. I have a list of at least eight more examples, but I think I have sufficiently stated my point. The bottom line is Type 1 Diabetes has absolutely nothing to do with sugar, eating too much, or body weight. When I was diagnosed at 11 years-old, I weighed under 70 pounds, but the day I returned to school, I was called fat and have been picked on ever since for my disease and weight. Dealing with diagnosis alone for any Diabetic, Type 1 or 2, is hard. Dr. Jen Nash said in the Book ‘Diabetes and Wellbeing’, “Many people struggling with the diagnosis of diabetes oscillate between a number of stages for many years, getting stuck at denial, or between anger, bargaining and depression, perhaps with small acceptances along the way.” (2013). Depression and diabetes is real and stems from misrepresentation and misunderstanding. The Journal of Pediatric Nursing conducted a screening of adolescents with Type 1 Diabetes and “After 4 months, a total of 142 adolescents with T1D were screened, 12% scored above the cut-off score requiring referrals including 8 adolescents with suicidal ideation.” (2014). I conducted a survey of 32 of my friends who have Type 1 Diabetes and out of the 32, 24 reported having depression in a moderate to severe form. Conor Warme, a 22-year-old who has been living with Type 1 Diabetes for over 18 years and has struggled with depression over this disease, told me that misrepresentation “was a big contributor to my depression for years. To this day I'm still trying to break the bad habits I formed when it got really bad because of it. My parents always used to tell me how when I was first diagnosed I cut myself off because I felt so different. That made me a lonely person and paved the way for my depression. A big reason I did that is because I didn't feel like people would understand it since it was and is so poorly talked about and educated upon.”

            I understand you may think that the jokes are okay to use because you’re talking about Type 2 Diabetes and you would never want to make fun of a disease caused by organ failure, not by obesity or sugar; but how can we stop the confusion? In the past, after every mishandled reference to diabetes in the media, there is uproar. Writers and producers get backlash from angry viewers when they feel attacked. There are often apologies issued, but the damage is done. Let’s solve this together so both writers and Type 1 diabetics are no longer hurt.

Let’s revisit Penny from Big Bang Theory referencing a “chubby” man wearing an insulin pump. An insulin pump is like a portable IV of insulin; Insulin pumps deliver rapid- or short-acting insulin 24 hours a day through a catheter placed under the skin. They are used for Type 1 Diabetics as an alternative to giving a shot of insulin every time they want to eat something.

      

     

      Above, Figure 2, is a photo of what an insulin pump looks like and how it works. In severe cases of Type 2 Diabetes, an insulin pump may be recommended, but they are primarily used as a treatment for Type 1 Diabetes. Jokes like Penny’s demonstrate that writers are uninformed about the issue. I don’t see how any disease could be a punch line, Type 1 and Type 2 included, because this is someone’s life. You are making fun of someone and diseases from which they suffer. My father, who is also a Type 1 Diabetic, gave me a statement about jokes in the media, “People are ignorant and so is the media. There has never been a distinguishing campaign between Type 1 and Type 2. Jokes are made and no one realizes that the two are completely different. It is unfair and isolates a Type 1 and makes them feel unrecognized and misunderstood.” We need to make a change for the well being of the youth and adults with this disease. This issue is very personal, and important to me; when Fuller House made the comment about Danny leaving pamphlets about Diabetes for trick or treaters, I contacted the creator of the show and he apologized and promised me they would be more careful in the future, I have attached a screenshot of said response.  (Figure 3)

            I hope this letter has educated you for the better. My goal is to shine light on the misrepresentation and misunderstanding of Type 1 Diabetes and the difference between Type 1 and Type 2. A disease, Diabetes or not, should never be the brunt of a joke. If this joke were about something like cancer, I suspect you would never use it for a laugh in your show. Please respect those who suffer every day, being made fun of in the media. My suggestion is to remove these types of jokes all together; there are many jokes in the world that are much more funny than my disease. Together, we can help each other to benefit from this misunderstanding and emerge with a positive experience. We can all still laugh, just not at the expense of people living with a disease.

Thank you very much for reading this. I hope you will have a change of heart when you go for the next punch line.

Sincerely,

Hannah Giffin

Citations

• “Type 1 Diabetes.” American Diabetes Association, www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/type-1/.

• “Type 2.” American Diabetes Association, www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/type-2/?loc=util-header_type2.
• Atkinson, Eisenbarth, & Michels. (2014). Type 1 diabetes. The Lancet, 383(9911), 69-82. Found through ASU Library

• “Grabinoski, M. (2017). 003–Screening for Depression in Adolescents with Type 1 Diabetes Mellitus. Journal of Pediatric Nursing, 34(C), 102.”

• Lookofsky, Taylor (2018, May 24) Personal Interview;

• Nash, J., & Ebrary, Inc. (2013). Diabetes and wellbeing managing the psychological and emotional challenges of diabetes types 1 and 2. Chichester, West Sussex, U.K.: Wiley-Blackwell.
• Survey Monkey, (2018) I conducted a survey through this website to receive anonymous answers.

I Miss Being a Happy Camper

A community is so important.

The life of a Type 1 is very lonely. Ever since I was diagnosed I went to camp. I was blessed to attend every single year to date. Now, this is something I really need to get off my chest. I’m lonely; every single day. Even though I have some of the world’s most amazing friends, I’ve distanced myself from camp life for a really long time and I haven’t been in touch with the people who are so important to me and on top off that, I don’t know if I can get the time off work to go up to camp for a whole week and this is the first year that I won’t be going to camp in 10 years. This is really hard for me to grasp and really absorb.

Ever since my hospital stay, I have really focused on myself and shut out more people than just camp. I never really realized it until it was brought to my attention. For that I am so terribly sorry. Recently I re-attended a meet up for Type 1s that I used to be so excited for but then ghosted and put aside. I reconnected with a camp friend and I am starting to feel myself again now that he is in my life. It’s been so hard to not talk to the people that I used to talk to almost every day and I could go to with diabetes pain and have them 1000% understand. So if any of you are reading this, I miss you. A lot has been going on that I don’t always share with the world but I shut you all out and it wasn’t fair. This has been sitting on my heart for a really long time and I miss you guys.

I have this voice that just sits in my head and makes me over think everything. I feel that I am a burden on a lot of people and they talk about me behind my back, if I see two people at work talking I automatically panic that I did something wrong. So I guess I’ve defaulted into just not talking to anyone.  Ever since high school I feel like I am not enough or that my life is too hard for people and they will drop me the same way I was dropped then. Getting back up was hard and I want to give my whole heart to everyone but it’s scary to think that the people you love could just stop loving you.

This article is kind of all over the place, because I just got out of the shower and this was all running through my mind the whole time so I just got out and put it all down. So I guess what I’m trying to say is I miss my camp family. A lot.

The Hard Truth

Ever since October when I was in the hospital, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened that day if I hadn’t called my mom. I went to work that morning feeling a little off. I got really sick and went home. After that, the journey I was about to experience is one that has haunted me to this day. I haven’t really talked about those couple of days in extent with a lot of you, but I need to share. I was dying. My nurse took my parents out of the room and sat on the edge of my bed and told me the one thing any 21 year old should hear… she looked at me with tears in her eyes saying that if I had fallen asleep that afternoon, I would be dead. My diabetes was so out of hand that I had been slowly dying and not even knowing it. Ever since I was diagnosed 10 years ago, I’ve kind of been the face of diabetes in my family, and I work at a diabetes summer camp, so I tried to be a role model. Even though I love doing those things and being involved in the community, too much became overwhelming. Even though this disease has brought so much and so many people into my life. I’ve met friends and the love of my life thanks to it. But sometimes the cons can outweigh the pros. There’s really no way to explain how it feels, but it is just exhausting. I got so tired of having to keep myself alive.

Having the nurse tell me that I was going to die was something I still haven’t fully processed yet. I had to watch my parents sit in that hospital room with me, with their only child so sick. And to have Toby not know if I would wake up. It’s something I wish I could take back, but I knew that even though I failed my disease, I wouldn’t fail myself. In a span of 3 months, I went from a 14.0 A1C to an 8.0, I want you all to know how hard it is to admit how sick and how much I didn’t take care of myself because for the last 10 years I have been told I am so strong, I am so brave and an inspiration. But I didn’t feel it. I felt like I needed to be perfect and to be strong for everyone else, when in reality I was falling apart. I am sitting here only 5 months later, I can't believe that there was a possibility of me not being alive.

 I basically have been going through diagnosis again and my body is out of whack. I had so little insulin in me that I am so sensitive to blood sugars and lows. I’m not writing this to gain sympathy. I just needed to tell the hard truth. The truth, that I can seem okay on the outside, but am struggling on the inside. Having an invisible disease is one of the hardest things to endure every day. But now I have some of the most amazing friends who make sure my blood sugars are okay if I have a few drinks, or plan a road trip and consider me needing to eat into the plans. I've never had this before and I don't think they truly know how much it really means to me. 

So I guess you could say I am thankful for my struggle, because it led me to discovering the strength inside of me.