We Were NOT All In This Together

              In high school, I wanted to die. I wish I were just gone from this planet and the people on it. It really all happened in my Junior and Senior year. Things started out fine, but between March and June of my Junior year I had 4 people close to me die. At 16 years old I had experienced more loss than I should at such a young age. My friends were great when my great grandma died in March, she was one of my very best friends and I spent almost every afternoon after school at her nursing home. But as time went on and I was losing more people in my life I noticed my friends slowly disappearing. They would see me in the hall and quickly turn the other way, I could see them looking and whispering in class. What made it worse was I was part of a program that was supposed to be like a family and we had special classes for those wanting to go into the medical field. ( I wanted to be a Vet for a long time) and so we all had classes together all day every day. Well when nobody talks to you that can be pretty isolating. I asked a friend what was happening and she told me that my life was too hard and that they are all young and just want to enjoy high school. They shut me out because my life got too hard for them.

            So I spent the summer going to funerals while they all went to the beach. Then, my senior year was worse, surprising I know.  I was alone that summer and nobody would talk to me. My depression was growing more and more every day. I felt like by just existing I was a burden to everyone. In my junior year, I had a math teacher tell me I couldn’t eat in his class and didn’t care if I was diabetic or if I needed to eat I wasn’t allowed. For a couple of years I had an English teacher constantly tell me what a bad diabetic I was because I had (diet) soda at school. At first the jokes didn’t involve my diabetes. This teacher kind of picked on me and I thought maybe it’s because I loved the subject and spoke up a lot. But then it got personal and it became hurtful. I tried to explain that the jokes weren’t true and are causing more damage, he just laughed it off.  Soon a bunch of my classmates were making jokes about my diabetes every single day.

             A girl from these classes approached me once and told me that she knew of a group of people that would get together and just “talk shit” about me. I had never done anything to anyone and I was the monster. They would avoid me in the halls and would rush away before I could ask if I could join for lunch. A lot of the time I spent with a teacher who I’m not sure knows how much he meant to me, but Dan Burchfield made sure I spent any lonely lunch in his classroom and made me take his theater class my senior year so he could check in on me. I even was his stage manager for Alice and Wonderland. So thank you Burch for helping me through my time at MHS. I TRULY couldn’t have done it without you.

            I also owe a lot of credit to Rachel Humphrey. There was a summer we worked closely together at camp and it was right in the middle of everything. Whenever I was feeling the depression she would take me on a walk through dry lake and I could cry as loud as I wanted to. I constantly think of our walks and what she would tell me and how almost every time we were out there a hummingbird would fly by us as if my Great Grandma was telling us she was there. Even to this day when I think of the kind of person I want to be I think of her, she's a hard worker and so kind. Rachel, I thank you with all my heart for that summer and every time you checked on me down the mountain. Life is hard and we have been there for each other for a lot of those times. 

            I had been messaging a camp friend about how I felt numb and just didn’t want to live anymore and my mom saw them. She immediately took me out of school and not a single person cared, or honestly I don’t know if they noticed. I enrolled in college early and took classes during my final year of HS before I graduated and started to feel better. I still felt forgotten and alone. I had absolutely nobody in my life. It took a lot of time and love and therapy to get through that time. I then moved to Disney and that really helped. But when I came back and was at our local community college there were a lot of high school people that attended that school. One guy was in the same building as me at the same time and I would see him in the hall and he would glare at me or whisper while looking directly at me. I went to the grocery store and saw the group of people that would “talk shit” about me and I could hear them talking about me and called me weird and a loner. Living in this town to this day is still really hard because everyone loves this town and talk about how great it is, but whenever I drive down Tierra Rejada I get a knot in my stomach and I have anxiety going into Target or Vons with the possibility of seeing someone. I hated this town.

           

             Fast forward to when the soundtrack for Dear Evan Hansen came out. I have never identified with a musical until I heard DEH. This is an excerpt from the song “You Will Be Found” : Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall, and no one would hear? “ When this came on I sat in my car and I sobbed. A good 3 years after high school I finally had words that were how I had felt for so long. I identified with my depression and I hadn’t fully realized how bad I was until I heard someone else saying the words. When I saw te show for the first time on stage last night I wept. So many people wept. But there was a question asked towards the end of, “Did you fall? Or did you let go?” and that sat  so deeply with me I am still thinking about it. Sometimes we lie to ourselves about what happened to try and make it sound better in our heads. I told myself for a long time that what happened to me in high school wasn’t that bad, but it was. I was bullied and harassed not just by the students but by teachers as well. To this day I still struggle with my depression and anxiety but I’ve been learning what it is that sets it off or what I need when I get into that place. Because there was a time where I didn’t think I was going to graduate. I never thought I would make it past high school. But I did. Now here I am 4 years after the darkest times of my life and I am thriving. Living in the town I once hated but now could care less about because I know that if I see the people that destroyed me once, they can’t do it again. I am so much stronger and see that they are actually irrelevant to my life anymore. I can see them in Target and I wouldn’t blink an eye, I wouldn’t feel the need to run and hide. If they were to approach me I would tell them exactly why I am turning my cheek and walking the other way. I know they will see this and I won’t name names but they know who they are and what happened but I hope now they know what the actual consequences were of their actions because it almost drove me to killing myself.

            It's pretty funny, I've had multiple people from high school block me and unfriend me on all social media after I made a post on Instagram talking a little bit about this time and I just wish they could hear my side without turning to hate. Because I don't hate them; there was a time where I was filled with anger and sadness but now I know I wouldn't be who I am today without those hard times. It doesn't make what they did okay at all, but it strengthened me into the Hannah you all know and I like this Hannah. I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive people who were not sorry and accept an apology I would never receive. 

            I definitely have trust issues when it comes to letting people into my life and having friends again. I finally met amazing people in Florida but when we left we were scattered across the states. So I felt alone again. I had nobody within a 20 mile radius that I could call up and be like. “Hey I need you.” and they would be there. Something I thank Starbucks the most for is bringing Arame and Judy into my life. I have never felt a friendship so pure and strong as I do with them. Finding people who you can trust and rely on is so hard once you hit your 20’s but I feel grateful. I face time Judy multiple times a week since she is in New York kicking butt at NYU Tisch and tomorrow I move into an apartment with Arame. If you had told me even a year ago that my life would be filled with great friends and opportunities, I wouldn’t believe you for the life of me.

            I have never talked about any of this or truly how depressed I was except to my family and a handful of people. I’m not sharing because I want any sympathy because I am truly happy now. I am the happiest I have been in a while. I guess I just want those who are struggling to know that it does get better. I went from not knowing if I would live to be an adult to working a salary job at a law firm and getting ready to move out with my best friend. The struggle I was in then developed the strength I needed now. 

            ”Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, and when you’re broken on the ground. You will be found”