The Hard Truth

Ever since October when I was in the hospital, I can’t stop thinking about what could have happened that day if I hadn’t called my mom. I went to work that morning feeling a little off. I got really sick and went home. After that, the journey I was about to experience is one that has haunted me to this day. I haven’t really talked about those couple of days in extent with a lot of you, but I need to share. I was dying. My nurse took my parents out of the room and sat on the edge of my bed and told me the one thing any 21 year old should hear… she looked at me with tears in her eyes saying that if I had fallen asleep that afternoon, I would be dead. My diabetes was so out of hand that I had been slowly dying and not even knowing it. Ever since I was diagnosed 10 years ago, I’ve kind of been the face of diabetes in my family, and I work at a diabetes summer camp, so I tried to be a role model. Even though I love doing those things and being involved in the community, too much became overwhelming. Even though this disease has brought so much and so many people into my life. I’ve met friends and the love of my life thanks to it. But sometimes the cons can outweigh the pros. There’s really no way to explain how it feels, but it is just exhausting. I got so tired of having to keep myself alive.

Having the nurse tell me that I was going to die was something I still haven’t fully processed yet. I had to watch my parents sit in that hospital room with me, with their only child so sick. And to have Toby not know if I would wake up. It’s something I wish I could take back, but I knew that even though I failed my disease, I wouldn’t fail myself. In a span of 3 months, I went from a 14.0 A1C to an 8.0, I want you all to know how hard it is to admit how sick and how much I didn’t take care of myself because for the last 10 years I have been told I am so strong, I am so brave and an inspiration. But I didn’t feel it. I felt like I needed to be perfect and to be strong for everyone else, when in reality I was falling apart. I am sitting here only 5 months later, I can't believe that there was a possibility of me not being alive.

 I basically have been going through diagnosis again and my body is out of whack. I had so little insulin in me that I am so sensitive to blood sugars and lows. I’m not writing this to gain sympathy. I just needed to tell the hard truth. The truth, that I can seem okay on the outside, but am struggling on the inside. Having an invisible disease is one of the hardest things to endure every day. But now I have some of the most amazing friends who make sure my blood sugars are okay if I have a few drinks, or plan a road trip and consider me needing to eat into the plans. I've never had this before and I don't think they truly know how much it really means to me. 

So I guess you could say I am thankful for my struggle, because it led me to discovering the strength inside of me.